Still Around… Sort of

I fail.

I’ve been doing everything I can to motivate to write in here the past few months. But I’ve been in a terrible way -mentally, since about last September and it’s just getting progressively worse. I have an appointment tomorrow, finally, to go over what is working or what is not working and figure out where to go from here. Unless you suffer mental illness (and none of this surviving bullshit, you suffer… trust me) there is no possible way to explain how it ruins every aspect of your life in what seems like the stupidest of ways. It’s hard to explain that you are sad that you’ve become a hermit, but that knowledge just makes you hermit even more, and so forth.

Though, given some other physical things that are going on alongside my mental issues right now (and the apparent sudden ineffectiveness of my medications), it may be a hormonal thing. In which case, I’ll have to just suck it up for a while. My mother started menopause around my age, so it’s possible. Ugh. I both hope and hope not at the same time.

My husband and I have actively been looking for a new place to live since Christmas. Everything we looked at was either not worth what they were asking for it, was too small, or the layout wasn’t going to work at all. This made my rather crippling depression even worse. The duplex we are in now has things I like about it, but it no longer suits our needs: it is lacking central air and the windows are not set up for window a/c units, the kitchen is so small, the bedrooms (all three) are really small, the living room is small, the one stall garage isn’t working for us anymore, the tenants next door are jackasses and so forth.

I didn’t think I was asking for much: three bedrooms, two toilets, decent sized kitchen and living room, normal sized bedrooms, two stall garage, central air and will let us have our cats and maybe a dog in the future, and is within our budget. That, it seems, is like hunting a unicorn around here. Futile.

I haven’t done much religiously in quite a while because my depression has killed most of my desire to even update my kathiskos. But, in a moment of tears and desperation, I did something I never do -I asked for help. Personally, I don’t believe in relying on the gods to give us things. They are not our personal wish-dispensing machines. But I was stuck, I didn’t know where to go and I needed help. This is not particularly something I can ask of my usual sources for inspiration. I don’t generally pray to Hestia on her own. I give her honor and such, but not usually direct prayer. But I didn’t know where else to go and as the goddess of hearth and home, I hoped she could guide me.

That was Monday, March 18th.

Tuesday the 19th, a friend texted me while I was at a coffee shop for our knitting circle (yeah, I do that, hush) and she asked if my husband and I were still looking for a place. I told her that we were and she said she had a friend who had a duplex (a really nice on) on the east side that would probably meet what we were looking for. So she asked my permission to give her friend my number and email address. I talked with that friend of hers on and off last week and went Sunday the 24th to look at the building.

It is amazing. Everything I want and more and let me tell you, I almost wept in joy as I walked around the unit looking at everything. Pets aren’t a problem, either. So, I put the application in on Monday and by dinner time Monday night we were approved. So I go either today or in the next few days, depending on his family commitments with the kids, to put the deposit down and discuss when we are signing the lease and so forth. I could still cry from joy. Really.

So once we move, I think I need to do something special in proper thanks. I don’t know if Hestia had anything to do with it, really, but if she did I don’t want her to think I’m not grateful. I feel like this is snapping me out of a really terrible depression (one I’ve been in for months and done some terribly stupid things during) and getting us into a better situation.

For now, I’m going to go dig some boxes out of my basement.

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One Comment to “Still Around… Sort of”

  1. “It’s hard to explain that you are sad that you’ve become a hermit, but that knowledge just makes you hermit even more, and so forth.”

    I know that feeling =(

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