If you’ve been following this blog since the beginning, or maybe know me in person, or via other outlets… you may have noticed a trend:
I am becoming quite jaded and bitter about the greater pagan community. Wiccans, fluffies, recons, eclectics, pseudo-atheists… and all those I didn’t name… I’m coming to hate you with a vitriol that sometimes frightens even myself. So much irritates the crap out of me.
I’ve been struggling to come up with a nice coherent post here about how things are going, how I’m finally replacing my broken Ares statues, how proud I am of the “hearth” I have set up in my kitchen and how wonderfully homey it makes this new place feel with an idol of Hestia looking on as I knead my bread dough… but I’m struggling because I keep getting knocked off balance by some stupid thing that falls out of the mouth of a pagan I have some connection to.
This may be related to my mental illness, it may not. Perhaps I was meant to be a jaded, bitter old biddy at 32. I don’t have the answer to that right now. I just know that if one more idiot pagan tries to tell me what I should do to solve my problems even when they have no experience in the area, how I should give up this or that, how shopping at WalMart is bad and that I should only support small businesses -even though the grossly higher prices would probably bankrupt me, how the GODDESS is amazing and I just need to embrace her to get in touch with my femininity and embrace my “sacred blood”, how every goddess they want to make into a triple goddess or make her fluffier than is mythologically correct (I’m looking at you, Fluffy Followers of Aphrodite or Artemis) can be, how we can just ignore how any god/dess was worshiped in favor of “what feels right now” regardless of appropriateness is ok, how the cycle of nature involving a hawk scooping up its still living dinner happening in my backyard is an omen about not supporting Monsanto (yes, this actually happened), or something equally as stupid… I may have to just go into some psychotic Enyo-inspired rage and start culling the herd (figuratively, of course… no matter how appealing dancing around naked in someone’s blood might be from time to time, I may be cranky and ill but I’m not a sociopath.).
I’m just fed up. I’m tired of illogical answers and excuses. I’m tired of everything always being alright from drug use, sexual predatory behavior (yeah, I’ve been grabbed inappropriately by a few pagans who claimed it was in the spirit of the holiday), and the uneducated giving workshops on topics they have no business giving workshops on. I’m tired of going to festivals where people toss around the word polyamory when they really just mean they are sexually loose and sleep with whomever whenever they want -the whole emotional attachment left out so they can rut as they please and thereby giving actually poly people a bad name. I’m tired of listening to people have the hubris to order deities around as if they are somehow superior to the divinity itself. I’m tired of people treating the divine beings as if they are (and I’m quoting a friend here) “magical wish dispensing machines” and then ignoring them the rest of the time.
I’m tired of people having the audacity to insist to me that my gods are all aspects of one god and my goddesses are all aspects of one goddess. I’m tired of people twisting my gods and goddesses to fit their interpretation of Jungian Archetypes. I’m tired of other Recons treating newbies like crap because they committed a faux pas by just being new and ignorant. I’m tired of pagans (recons and not alike) sweeping the dust bunnies of the mythological or historical system they follow under the rug (like the rampant Hellenic denial of how our amazing Athenians treated their women historically).
And I’ve really had about enough of Christian bashing, hypocrisy and this attitude that somehow paganism is inherently better than major organized religion even though getting two pagans to agree on anything is like mixing oil and water and getting them to help with anything that they think they should get for free with no effort on their part is like herding cats without food or catnip.
It is possible if I hadn’t been President of a pagan organization whose members span a large part of the state for ten years and dealt with crap the rainy-day pagans wouldn’t have the first clue how to manage, I wouldn’t be this jaded and bitter. Locally, I was a leader in our pagan community and dealing with pagans en masse is exhausting to a point that my fragile mind just can’t handle it anymore. I would far rather explain my religion to a devout Christian (and I do this with family and friends) than to have to try to explain to another pagan what I do. The former might question me, but they rarely challenge or correct me (“What? You were a ballet dancer instead of signing the final papers for Marine enlistment? You have no idea what discipline is like and there is no way you can genuinely worship Ares without having served in the military.”). I have stood side by side with a Christian minister and performed a joint service and everyone in the congregation -while unsure at first, were FAR more welcoming and understanding than the attendees the last Beltane I attended because I was craving festival and community but thought the humping and ejaculation and phallic imagery got a bit… overdone.
I can sit in a room with fifty Christians without a single one of them belittling another religion. Yes, there are some extremists, but most Christians are just everyday people who really don’t give a flip what sort of invisible being you believe in as long as you mind your business with their religion. But you can’t throw a stone in a group of pagans without hitting someone who calls themselves a “recovering Catholic” and everyone jumps on the “Mock the Catholics” bandwagon.
If I have one more person tell me to love my morbidly obese body because it is “goddess-sized” and somehow implying that my goddesses are all morbidly obese, or that I should be proud because I’m like a Venus of Willendorf, I’m punching them in the jaw. Yes, I’m overweight. I’m actually actively working to correct that even though I’m fighting a losing battle for medical reasons. I was a ballet dancer. I am DISGUSTED by how I look now and my actual inability to lose weight. If I have a pagan food-nazi chide me for not being vegetarian or vegan or gluten-free or on a raw diet and how I could lose so much weight if I just did that… I’m punching them in the vagina (because nine times out of ten it is a woman preaching this nonsense as if they know more than my doctor and nutritionist). Maybe the medications I have to be on for my well being are the cause of my obesity, did that ever cross your mind? Oh, but wait, these are then the same people that tell me to drop my medications and just take fish oil or St John’s Wort, or whatever the new fad is, and that will magically cure me.
I’m just going to sit in my house, a solitary practicing pagan who isn’t sure she wants the pagan label anymore, stop going to festivals and just find peace on my own. As for this blog, I’m not sure what I’m doing with it after today. I may continue to write in it but focus less on what others are doing and saying and more on myself, or I may shut it down completely. I’m going to have to give it some serious thought.